Ok, so these musings are going to just be my rambling.... Warning: the are completely counter-cuntural. You may become upset. Read on at your own risk.....
I have heard a startling statistic in the last 2 weeks. Twice in as many weeks, from different sources, I have heard that 87 percent of American families are dysfunctional. What does it even mean to be a "dysfunctional family"? According to Wikipedia, "A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions." That being understood, the rate of dysfunctional families is 87% - Seriously?!? Why the rate is so high? What is the difference in percentage from 10 years ago? 20? 50?
I question the source of the statistic, but I have no doubt that it is very high number... Much higher than in years past. I think it is for 2 primary reasons - and a slew of reasons that flow from the two main ones.... (And here I open myself to possibly scathing comments)
1. "Sexual revolution"
2. "Women's liberation"
The sexual revolution started before I was born. Back then, marraige was sacred and families stayed together. They know that eventually the passion and the "starstruck lovers" phase of any relationship ends and they knew how to make love work. They understood that love was a choice and did not equate love with sex. Love is a choice, sex is an act. The sexual revolution trivialized the most sacred communion - both physically AND spiritually - a man and a woman can share. It made a sacred union into a purely physical act. From this, eventually, over the course of many years, flowed a more tolerant attitude of sex, anywhere with anyone for any reason.... With that kind of misunderstanding about the nature of the act and so few people waiting until marraige, why get married? It seems now people tend to equate love with the pleasure derived from a sexual relationship with a person. When the passion dies, so does the relationship - time to move on to the next "love" of our life. Relationships stop being about working through things and making the choice to love "until death do us part" and become more about "What can you do for me now?" It becomes more of a contract to be terminated at will than a covenant to be lived. This attitude has severely affected the divorce rate in our country, as well as our attitudes of what the dynamics of relationships should look like. Our attitudes are no longer about what is in the best interest of the family and what can I do to help/support/show my love for my family. It has become about what am I getting from my family? What do I get out of this relationship? When we start thinking that way, there would logically follow a propensity a mistreat the other members of our family - thus leading to the depressing label of "dysfunctional"
2. Women's liberation was also before my time. I am thankful for the right to vote. I am thankful to the women who blazed trails so that my generation can believe that they are receiving equal work for equal pay. Unfortunately, it seems that our "liberation" has created a generation of slaves who now have no choice but to work. When women joined the workforce, the job market was flooded and no one needed to pay employees as much as they might have with half the available workers.... Now, most women are not in a position to easily stay home. Just my theory, I could be wrong...
Also, I have heard it argued that you can be a great mom and a great employee. I beg to differ. Best case scenario is that you could be great at one and mediocre at the other, worst case scenario is that you think you're great at both when you really suck at both..... Before you argue with me on this point, just think about this: You have an important meeting/presentation/whatever scheduled at work today and your child wakes up coughing with a stomach ache and a fever. You do not have family or friends able to watch said child for you, or take them to the doctor for you. Do you take the day off work to take care of your sick child or do you send them to school/daycare and go to work? One makes you a bad employee, the other a bad mother. It is not possible to be 100% at both.
Anyway, with women's lib, we were told that not only could we do it all, we SHOULD do it all, and expect to be great at doing it all. In the process, we have delegated the raising of our children to daycares, sitters, nannies and employees of our government in the form of public school "educators".... No one has a more vested interest in our children and our families than we do. No one loves our children through their strengths like we do and no one wants to help them overcome their weaknesses like we do. We are also being told now that no matter what, we should not do anything that might be seen as possibly being maybe damaging to the way the children see themselves... This includes especially disciplining them. Without discipline, we lose sight of what is right and what is wrong. We lose sight of how people should be treated, and - more importantly - why. So, let's revisit the Wiki definition of a dysfunctional family - "A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often abuse on the part of individual members occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions." Without discipline, there tends to be misbehavior, likely "continually and regularly" misbehavior.
I could be wrong, but I think that a serious rethinking of the importance and roles of families in society, and our attitudes about them could help reverse the alarming trends of divorce and dysfunction............
A Prayer for families from Mother Theresa of Calcutta:
Heavenly Father, you have given us the model of life in the Holy Family of Nazareth.
Help us, O Loving Father, to make our family another Nazareth where love, peace and joy reign.
May it be deeply contemplative, intensely eucharistic, revived with joy.
Help us to stay together in joy and sorrow in family prayer. Teach us to see Jesus in the members of our families, especially in their distressing disguise. May the eucharistic heart of Jesus make our hearts humble like his and help us to carry out our family duties in a holy way.
May we love one another as God loves each one of us, more and more each day, and forgive each other's faults as you forgive our sins. Help us, O Loving Father, to take whatever you give and give whatever you take with a big smile.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, cause of our joy, pray for us.
St. Joseph, pray for us.
Holy Guardian Angels, be always with us, guide and protect us.
Amen.
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